I thought back to a PPD risk assessment given by my OB back in California. I could mark yes to many of the questions during my pregnancy.
Long distance move? Check
Unplanned pregnancy? Check
Financial troubles/reduction in income? Check
Little assistance from family? Check
Death in family? Check - even though he didn't pass until months after
PPD after previous pregnancies - probably
It didn't help that I never trusted my OB, and was even more disappointed with how he treated me during delivery.
Before I go further, a note to my sweet husband:
Postpartum depression may be difficult for a husband to understand, and sometimes he may react with confusion, frustration, anger, guilt, anxiety, or embarrassment. It may be helpful for him to engage in counseling or reading to increase his understanding of postpartum depression and to learn how he can be most helpful. His doing so can benefit both him and his wife.I know that this is probably hard for him to understand, and that he probably will blame himself for my troubles. I guess I've been trying to protect him. This is not his fault. I think that I've always known that I'm prone to depression. It's never been this bad before. But I'm doing so much better. I feel like I'm one step away from being "me" again. I think a lot of that has to do with me admitting to myself what it is that I've been struggling with. It has taken away the guilt of all the things I haven't accomplished over the past 8 months.
Oh, and as I have been thinking about this, I've been thinking about comments my dad made years ago about my mom. About how it seemed that she didn't take good care of herself after having a baby. I suspect that she suffered from PPD as well. I love you, mom.
I can say that the hardest thing about this is actually admitting it. To people I know, even. Hitting "Publish Post" is a struggle.
