The bible in 90 days - #2

I have fallen behind again, and caught up again. The Old Testament is hard for me to get into. So much of it is so repetitive, that I have to force myself not to skip.

Still, there are some things that I've noticed, that I don't know if I had realized before. Joshua didn't first show up when the spies went out to survey the land and people. No, he was there as a companion to Moses on mount Sinai. I do not think he went up the mount, and saw what Moses saw. But I'm sure he learned much from those experiences as well as from Moses' teachings. He shows that in his response to the 10 spies who were afraid.

One thing that is so difficult with the Old Testament is how harsh the judgments seem to be on the people. But then you have to think of what they have seen and heard. The Israelites saw the Red Sea part. They saw springs suddenly start in the desert at Moses' command. The Lord talked to the people from a cloud. Food showed up from nowhere. And yet, they complain multiple times about how it would have been better if they had died in Egypt. How could they be so faithless? How could they forget those miracles so quickly? But then, would any of us done better? I would like to think so, but there are many times that I'm not so sure.

The bible in 90 days - #1

I decided to take the challenge from Mom's Toolbox, that I came across from a blog I subscribe to. I'm reading the King James Version, since that is what I'm used to. I am on day 4, and have just finished reading Genesis.

A few things strike me. First, is how many good parents have their own faults, as well as children that make terrible mistakes. Cain killed his brother out of jealousy. Lot's sons-in-law laughed at him. His wife turned back. And his daughters made him drunk so they could become pregnant by him. Isaac favored Esau, even though Jacob was the one who truly feared God. Reuben slept with his father's wife. Simeon and Levi killed a town because one man slept with their sister. Rachel stole her father's idols when they left his home.

What is to be learned from all this? Perhaps we need to be all the more watchful and vigilant in doing what is right. But also that we all make our own choices. I cannot force my children to be good, but I can teach them.

Today's reading was mainly the story of Joseph in Egypt. I seemed to understand more this time of why and how Joseph tested his brothers. He either hoped that they had changed for the better, or that he could keep his younger brother with him. It is amazing how much Joseph endured for so many years, and how quick he was to forgive his brothers. I hope I can become as forgiving.

PPD

This article in the Ensign really hit me last month. I realized that they described me over the past few months. I have been doing much better the last couple weeks, but it still isn't easy.

I thought back to a PPD risk assessment given by my OB back in California. I could mark yes to many of the questions during my pregnancy.

Long distance move? Check
Unplanned pregnancy? Check
Financial troubles/reduction in income? Check
Little assistance from family? Check
Death in family? Check - even though he didn't pass until months after
PPD after previous pregnancies - probably

It didn't help that I never trusted my OB, and was even more disappointed with how he treated me during delivery.

Before I go further, a note to my sweet husband:

Postpartum depression may be difficult for a husband to understand, and sometimes he may react with confusion, frustration, anger, guilt, anxiety, or embarrassment. It may be helpful for him to engage in counseling or reading to increase his understanding of postpartum depression and to learn how he can be most helpful. His doing so can benefit both him and his wife.

I know that this is probably hard for him to understand, and that he probably will blame himself for my troubles. I guess I've been trying to protect him. This is not his fault. I think that I've always known that I'm prone to depression. It's never been this bad before. But I'm doing so much better. I feel like I'm one step away from being "me" again. I think a lot of that has to do with me admitting to myself what it is that I've been struggling with. It has taken away the guilt of all the things I haven't accomplished over the past 8 months.

Oh, and as I have been thinking about this, I've been thinking about comments my dad made years ago about my mom. About how it seemed that she didn't take good care of herself after having a baby. I suspect that she suffered from PPD as well. I love you, mom.

I can say that the hardest thing about this is actually admitting it. To people I know, even. Hitting "Publish Post" is a struggle.

Melon soda

Smitten Kitchen recently had a delicious recipe for what she calls "Melon Agua Fresca." We called it "cantaloupe soda." Because we're refined like that. Anyhow, Tom put it together for our family night. He skipped the water, and didn't bother to strain the fruit. In case you're wondering, melon purees amazingly in the blender. We don't have a very fancy one, and it was so smooth. Oh, and we used bottled lime juice. It tasted wonderful. The fun part was that it was frothy. I wish I could share pictures, but I didn't pull out the camera before we finished it off. It was sweet, but not super sweet.

Next is to try this with watermelon. Or make the watermelon lemonade I saw. Yummy!

504? IEP?

I've learned a little about it, but need to learn more. Last year was quite the struggle with David, and I don't think it's going to get better anytime soon. My understanding is that he doesn't qualify for and IEP. The medication just wasn't enough anymore - we didn't see much difference - so I'm trying to gear myself up for the new school year. Honestly, if he's not getting any work done at school (and it's getting sent home for him to do), I would rather homeschool him. For those that don't know, he's been diagnosed with ADD for 3 years now - he's 8.

I'm having a hard time understanding the difference between an IEP and 504, other than an IEP seems to offer and guarantee more. The best that I can understand is that an IEP expects and improvement in performance. While the 504 is just modifications in place. But I'm not exactly sure that that is correct. I've been reading books, asking questions, and not getting very far. One group just talked about getting a different diagnosis when I posted a question. His teacher didn't want to start the process last year (felt it was too late in the school year). Tomorrow is "back to school night" when we find out about teacher assignments, and the teachers are there to meet the students. I plan to ask questions of the teacher and principal then, but I feel like I'm going in blind.

Last year was much better than the year before (his 1st grade teacher hated him, I swear!). But we still struggled to get to finish his work. Any of it. He's been identified as gifted, and was finishing less than his Kindergartner brother.

I can't blame school - he's like this every day, for every one. The only difference with homeschool is that I would be able to control the amount of work required for him. But he loves being with his friends at school. And I'm not sure I'm ready to take on that responsibility yet, either. I've been barely keeping up with the basics lately. If I feel I need to, I'll do it. I just know it'll take a lot of work from me to get him to succeed.

Anyhow, I know I'm rambling. Any advice for talking to the school? Starting the process of getting a 504?

Am I ready to fly?

It is so easy to try to shelter myself and my family from everything. It's time to risk falling.

Anyone that truly knows me knows I don't usually take big risks. Case in point: Junior High Track and Field. At the beginning of the season, they had everyone try everything. I guess I did pretty well in the hurdles for my height/weight/age class, so they had me be part of the hurdle relay at a meet a few weeks later. In my defense, I had not practiced the hurdles between that time, even once. Well, when my turn came, I choked. I ran up to the first hurdle, and stopped. I then stepped over the first hurdle. I tried to break into a run for the next one, but skidded to a stop again. Swung one leg over, then the other. By this time, the tears started to come. My teammates were cheering me on. But I repeated my embarrassment with every one of the remaining hurdles. I could barely see them with the tears streaming down my face, blurring my vision. I crossed the line, handed off the baton, and my team finished last. By a long shot. Friends put their hands on my shoulders, but I just wanted to hide. Why couldn't I have done what I did a few weeks ago? Nothing amazing, just jumping over them? Fear. Fear overtook everything else.

Of course, leaving my hometown so my husband could work on his PhD was a leap of faith. But what have I done here? Keep to myself for the most part. Time to change that.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LA_uwWPE6lQ

Stop the ride - I want off

The past couple weeks have been hectic. Our sewer line broke, so we had to be super careful with our water usage until we got it fixed (done, thank goodness!). One grandpa has a mysterious illness on top of his advanced Alzheimer's. The other has colon cancer. Our Stake President from CA got in a car accident, in which his wife died and he punctured a lung, did some serious injury to his back, and other problems, I'm sure. My best friend from high school's older sister died of an aneurysm. The kids mashed the little fins on the AC, so it's barely working - and it's 100 degrees outside all this week. My husband's stepdad is in the hospital from a stroke. My sister lost her baby. All I can wonder is, what's next?

A friend reminded me of a "thanks journal." I think I'll have to make a post later today of just our blessings. Since, somewhere in all this, there are many.