PPD

This article in the Ensign really hit me last month. I realized that they described me over the past few months. I have been doing much better the last couple weeks, but it still isn't easy.

I thought back to a PPD risk assessment given by my OB back in California. I could mark yes to many of the questions during my pregnancy.

Long distance move? Check
Unplanned pregnancy? Check
Financial troubles/reduction in income? Check
Little assistance from family? Check
Death in family? Check - even though he didn't pass until months after
PPD after previous pregnancies - probably

It didn't help that I never trusted my OB, and was even more disappointed with how he treated me during delivery.

Before I go further, a note to my sweet husband:

Postpartum depression may be difficult for a husband to understand, and sometimes he may react with confusion, frustration, anger, guilt, anxiety, or embarrassment. It may be helpful for him to engage in counseling or reading to increase his understanding of postpartum depression and to learn how he can be most helpful. His doing so can benefit both him and his wife.

I know that this is probably hard for him to understand, and that he probably will blame himself for my troubles. I guess I've been trying to protect him. This is not his fault. I think that I've always known that I'm prone to depression. It's never been this bad before. But I'm doing so much better. I feel like I'm one step away from being "me" again. I think a lot of that has to do with me admitting to myself what it is that I've been struggling with. It has taken away the guilt of all the things I haven't accomplished over the past 8 months.

Oh, and as I have been thinking about this, I've been thinking about comments my dad made years ago about my mom. About how it seemed that she didn't take good care of herself after having a baby. I suspect that she suffered from PPD as well. I love you, mom.

I can say that the hardest thing about this is actually admitting it. To people I know, even. Hitting "Publish Post" is a struggle.

Melon soda

Smitten Kitchen recently had a delicious recipe for what she calls "Melon Agua Fresca." We called it "cantaloupe soda." Because we're refined like that. Anyhow, Tom put it together for our family night. He skipped the water, and didn't bother to strain the fruit. In case you're wondering, melon purees amazingly in the blender. We don't have a very fancy one, and it was so smooth. Oh, and we used bottled lime juice. It tasted wonderful. The fun part was that it was frothy. I wish I could share pictures, but I didn't pull out the camera before we finished it off. It was sweet, but not super sweet.

Next is to try this with watermelon. Or make the watermelon lemonade I saw. Yummy!

504? IEP?

I've learned a little about it, but need to learn more. Last year was quite the struggle with David, and I don't think it's going to get better anytime soon. My understanding is that he doesn't qualify for and IEP. The medication just wasn't enough anymore - we didn't see much difference - so I'm trying to gear myself up for the new school year. Honestly, if he's not getting any work done at school (and it's getting sent home for him to do), I would rather homeschool him. For those that don't know, he's been diagnosed with ADD for 3 years now - he's 8.

I'm having a hard time understanding the difference between an IEP and 504, other than an IEP seems to offer and guarantee more. The best that I can understand is that an IEP expects and improvement in performance. While the 504 is just modifications in place. But I'm not exactly sure that that is correct. I've been reading books, asking questions, and not getting very far. One group just talked about getting a different diagnosis when I posted a question. His teacher didn't want to start the process last year (felt it was too late in the school year). Tomorrow is "back to school night" when we find out about teacher assignments, and the teachers are there to meet the students. I plan to ask questions of the teacher and principal then, but I feel like I'm going in blind.

Last year was much better than the year before (his 1st grade teacher hated him, I swear!). But we still struggled to get to finish his work. Any of it. He's been identified as gifted, and was finishing less than his Kindergartner brother.

I can't blame school - he's like this every day, for every one. The only difference with homeschool is that I would be able to control the amount of work required for him. But he loves being with his friends at school. And I'm not sure I'm ready to take on that responsibility yet, either. I've been barely keeping up with the basics lately. If I feel I need to, I'll do it. I just know it'll take a lot of work from me to get him to succeed.

Anyhow, I know I'm rambling. Any advice for talking to the school? Starting the process of getting a 504?

Am I ready to fly?

It is so easy to try to shelter myself and my family from everything. It's time to risk falling.

Anyone that truly knows me knows I don't usually take big risks. Case in point: Junior High Track and Field. At the beginning of the season, they had everyone try everything. I guess I did pretty well in the hurdles for my height/weight/age class, so they had me be part of the hurdle relay at a meet a few weeks later. In my defense, I had not practiced the hurdles between that time, even once. Well, when my turn came, I choked. I ran up to the first hurdle, and stopped. I then stepped over the first hurdle. I tried to break into a run for the next one, but skidded to a stop again. Swung one leg over, then the other. By this time, the tears started to come. My teammates were cheering me on. But I repeated my embarrassment with every one of the remaining hurdles. I could barely see them with the tears streaming down my face, blurring my vision. I crossed the line, handed off the baton, and my team finished last. By a long shot. Friends put their hands on my shoulders, but I just wanted to hide. Why couldn't I have done what I did a few weeks ago? Nothing amazing, just jumping over them? Fear. Fear overtook everything else.

Of course, leaving my hometown so my husband could work on his PhD was a leap of faith. But what have I done here? Keep to myself for the most part. Time to change that.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LA_uwWPE6lQ

Stop the ride - I want off

The past couple weeks have been hectic. Our sewer line broke, so we had to be super careful with our water usage until we got it fixed (done, thank goodness!). One grandpa has a mysterious illness on top of his advanced Alzheimer's. The other has colon cancer. Our Stake President from CA got in a car accident, in which his wife died and he punctured a lung, did some serious injury to his back, and other problems, I'm sure. My best friend from high school's older sister died of an aneurysm. The kids mashed the little fins on the AC, so it's barely working - and it's 100 degrees outside all this week. My husband's stepdad is in the hospital from a stroke. My sister lost her baby. All I can wonder is, what's next?

A friend reminded me of a "thanks journal." I think I'll have to make a post later today of just our blessings. Since, somewhere in all this, there are many.

The Quilter's Apprentice

The Quilter's Apprentice by Jennifer Chiaverini

My review

rating: 4 of 5 stars
A quick, easy read. Amazingly clean. Sometimes I think she struggles with describing the quilts, although being a quilter myself, I know many of the blocks by name and can visualize them without a description. She does a wonderful job weaving the stories into the plot. I think she could have done more description, as well and development of the relationship between Sarah and Sylvia. It seemed a little too scripted - it happened too easily. I am curious to see what she does in the next book, although I have a feeling that she could have combined the two into 1 (this book was only 266 pages). Oh, and I wished that she had told the story behind the "contrary wife." I think it's so funny that I'll have to make one myself someday!


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Love Walked in

Love Walked In by Marisa de los Santos

My review

rating: 3 of 5 stars
I loved the premise. Sadly, the author is foul-mouthed, loves to focus on sex (even if she doesn't describe it explicitly) and with that she pushes her belief that sex is something to be played around with - to experiment until you "find the right person." And still, I fell in love with the characters. And I loved how she switched back and forth from Cornelia's point of view to Clare, winding the stories together. Wonderfully written.


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The Bread Baker's Apprentice

The Bread Baker's Apprentice: Mastering the Art of Extraordinary Bread by Peter Reinhart

My review

rating: 4 of 5 stars
An enjoyable read. I have not had a chance to try the recipes - that will have to come later. But I am very interested in playing around with retarding the dough and seeing the effects it makes in the flavor and texture. I have not read a whole lot on artisan bread, and this was helpful in learning the science as well as some the techniques. I now understand what the "windowpane" test is. It does have only 2 recipes for whole grain breads (whole wheat, and whole sourdough rye), which was a disappointment, but know I have a lot of new ideas of how to play around with the bread recipes I see.


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Just for a laugh

That guy deserves a $20 tip!

If Jesus hadn't gotten baptized, would that have been a sin?

That was the question that caught my attention in Primary. My answer is different in some ways than the one given them. First off, I would say yes. If he hadn't gotten baptized, that would have been a sin. But he did get baptized. He himself said it was "to fulfill all righteousness." I believe that Christ was perfect because of all the things he did. If he hadn't done them, that would have been a sin of omission. At every point in his life, he had an opportunity to choose right from wrong. The difference between him and all of the rest of us is that he ALWAYS CHOOSE RIGHT. All the time. Every day, every minute. He was not exempt from the law. The expectations for him were not low, but higher than all others. That is why we worship him, stand in awe of him, and thank him for his sacrifice. Not because it was easy - it was impossible for any other to accomplish - but because it was hard.

Along those lines, this post has got me thinking. Am I ready to say "yes" to the role God has assigned me? Can I do my best to choose the right, no matter how hard it may seem? I know there will be times when I fall, but am I selling myself short? Giving up too soon? It's time I listened to those promptings, to do those things I know I need to.

Baby fat

So, I always have gained a lot of weight during my pregnancies. From 45 pounds to 60. Now that I'm no longer pregnant, and our baby is 3 1/2 months, it's time to lose the 20lbs that are still on me. Baby fat is cute on babies, not on my thighs. How is it that we end up with skinny babies, anyhow?

This post is purely to motivate me. To actually EXERCISE. To say no to that 2nd helping of dessert. Okay, and the 3rd and 4th. And sometimes the 5th. I know that I'm not "obese." But I am not healthy, and none of my clothes fit. I'm tired, and my back hurts.

What my mother didn't teach me - folding sheets

I saw this wonderful video from LivingOnADime. Of course, I start wondering why I had never seen this before! I know it may seem silly to some, but when you have a large family, all space-saving tactics are very important. 7 beds, 7 spare sheet sets = a lot of space if you don't know how to fold them! The video is simple, but does a great job of demonstrating what you need to do.

So, the question is, how many other things did my mom not know about? How many things did I miss?

Sweet!

I found an awesome deal through another website. The Mars candy corporation is giving 250,000 coupons for a free candy bar every Friday through September. Anyone that know me knows I love chocolate! Of course, I'm trying to lose 20 pounds of "baby fat" right now, but it will be a treat for the kids, right? (Hahahaha!) Check it out! You can only get 1 coupon each Friday, and a total of 4 for each street address (the coupon will come to you in the mail).

www.realchocolate.com

A New Approach

So, I've tried separating blogs into categories, thinking that people would only want to read about one topic. Well, I've decided that it will be the whole me. Not just part of me. We will see where this leads. As it grows, I will create a directory of sorts, so you can find certain topics. Now to add real content. Haha! I'll just have to remember to do this in baby steps!